A true blue Bollywood fanatic moves Bollywood Ishtyle, loves going to Bollywood Concerts and stalking the B-town celebs (if reading tabloids can be called that).
If you are one of that kind, then this is the right blog you have landed on.
However, let’s admit that a large portion of the Bollywood films has SOME SHITTY logics to the point that you’ll require a couple of Disprins to swim out of their effects!
Here are the mantras we follow in Bollywood, and this list justifies why we can’t make any believable, legitimate motion picture anytime soon! So brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen and get prepared for some epic bollywood shit-storm!
Louuve Is In The Air!
When the stars fall in louuve, it grows idiotically, like an out-of-control bonfire! Bollywood Love is no less than an insane staring contest most of the time. Bhookh-pyaas go out of the window, love becomes the new diet. Seasons and nature become well-timed. A gush of wind when she smiles, a splash of rain when he touches her, and 2 flowers intertwined when they kiss.
All this tamasha because the Censor Board thought we had to be 18 to know there was a kiss happening somewhere. Bleh, too much to ask for when 15-somethings are getting pregnant!
To top it all, the Bollywood Swag gets us shaking. The background dancers, their outfits that challenge the rainbow, and the dance-steps that just about everyone walking on the road knows by heart… love brings out all your hidden abilities.
Dialogues That Make No Sense!
Some Bollywood dialogues will never get old at any point, so well-timed they are, and with such a phenomenal delivery by the actor!
But at times, the everlasting story reaches a cusp. It’s either this way or that. The hero either dies, or kills the villain and wins the heroine. Her difficult-to-please Dad also stands waiting, not sure who to give his daughter to. The suspense builds up. You bite on your nails. Any moment can be decisive. And then, Bam! A riot of sick dialogues.
To count a few,
• “Basanti, In kutton ke samne mat nachna!”
• “Beta, Tumse na ho payega.”
• “Goli se nahi maarenge saale ko. Kehke lenge!”
Seriously, too gross to visualize!
Also, I won’t forgive Mohnish Behl. His “Ek ladka aur ladki kabhi dost nahin ho sakte” ruined my jawaani!
Think about this… “Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen mein daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi dega, aur oxygen isey marne nahi dega.” WTF! Like really?
Action Matlab Kuch Bhi!
Adidas sells its sportsgear with the slogan “Impossible is nothing”. But looks like Bollywood is the origin of this mantra. It’s been decades that our movies have been exploiting “Impossible is nothing” to the hilt. Take a look at some action scenes.
The frustration level may range from responses like “Dang! What just happened here?” to “Gosh! You kidding me, bro?” Sometimes, if you are lucky, you may even bump into a scene that makes you go looking for a dagger. We will skip to specify any further. Enough said!
When the damsel is in pain, the hero becomes the hulk. Furthermore, the obsessively artificial (yet confidently-executed) “dhishum-dhishum” is lagging on the justice part…
Amir Khan’s Dhoom 3 stint hasn’t left our minds yet, by the way. The lesser we say, the better!
Sshhh… The horror!
Your saasu-maa, wife, a TV serial vampire, or any typical chudail… Bollywood unquestionably scares the shit out of anybody! And hello, not because they are scary, but because they are shit-inducing.
Bollywood producers, please stop doing it, man. Janta maaf nahi karegi!
“Khoon ki Pyasi Daayan” to ”Paapi Gudiya” to the very recent “Creature 3D”… Why can’t you get rid of those gooey trickling face masks! Please see how disgusting your characters look. The title character who you intend making the scariest ends up becoming the creepiest. We don’t ask you to glam them up, they are the Bhoots after all. But please, please don’t make them look like shit.
And your sound effects, wow! Stop, high time.
Drame ki Aisi ki Taisi!
How often do you find yourself running around the trees in lush green meadows, chasing your beloved, singing the everlasting promises of love? Not very often, we believe. Make way for plenty of drama and impractical moments, if you have made up your mind to watch a Bollywood movie today.
Right when an estranged-for-a-decade husband steps into a mall in a foreign country, the grieving-wife-gone-quiet senses him around (because her saree’s palla wouldn’t stay intact on her shoulder). Her restless eyes look around until she spots him, looking his usual glorious self, standing untroubled in the hall’s middle. In that very moment, his eyes meet hers, and the bag falls off his shoulder. Symbolism, eh!
A Rajshri Productions film, by rule, must be Sanskari. When we say “Sanskari”, we mean that it must have Alok Nath Ji as the father (or father figure), and plenty of smiles and Namaste moments.
The Spoiled Villains!
Okay, so he is a villain, which means, he smuggles. He murders. He kidnaps. He rapes. But most importantly, he has one crazy habit that helps the next decade’s kids identify him without fail.
A certain Gabbar laughs like a maniac. Good news from his men, or bad, you will hear him guffaw. Because he only laughs. Shakaal keeps rubbing his shiny shaved head, as if ensuring there’s no growth that he needs to tend to. And who doesn’t know Mogambo? His “Mogambo khush hua” didn’t let many kids sleep back in the 90s.
These villains show us that being the terrible guy is about something to be thankful for. Yeah, it’s good to be bad! In Bollywood, at least.
A dialogue says, “Jis din main koi gori titli dekh leta hoon, us din mere khoon mein…” Hold your hearts! “…sainkdon kaale kutte ek saath bhaunkne lagte hai… Us din main Black Dog peeta hoon.” Errr… bas karo, please!